The Hazards Of Being My Kid

Welcome To Bespin! Glad You Stopped By!
Originally uploaded by Andy Ihnatko

My son — who is six — and I were watching TWiT 266 tonight while I was making dinner. Leo came to the ad for TWiT network sponsor Carbonite Pro, and my son's eyes lit up.

Child: Mom! They're talking about Carbonite!

Parent: Yes, they're a cool company that's a sponsor on our network. We use them to back up our computers and keep our stuff safe.

Child: [pauses] ...Do they have a license from George Lucas??

Parent: Good question!

(Turns out they don't need one. But you never know.)

Thinking Big

king and queen of the junk yard
Originally uploaded by iboy_daniel

(Magnets were a big deal at camp this year.)

Child: Mom, can we get one of those big magnets that can lift a car?

Parent: No, I'm afraid that kind of thing is too big to bring to the house.

Child: But we could have it deliverrrred!

Parent: [incomprehensible laughter]

Child: No, really, we can have it delivered!!

Parent: [Reflects that Amazon Prime has its hidden costs.]

It's Alive!

kiss me!
Originally uploaded by vimanaboy

Around lunchtime, we went on a Santa Cruz hike and came back to my mother-in-law's accompanied by a banana slug and ladybug. Then we drove the gorgeous stretch of Highway 1 between Santa Cruz and Morro Bay. We were checking in to the very nice Anderson Inn when the following conversation took place:

Innkeeper (finishing check-in process): Oh, and we don't allow pets.

Child: But we have pets!

Innkeeper (wondering if I'm going to try to smuggle an Alsatian upstairs): Really?

Child: Yes! A banana slug and a ladybug.

Innkeeper: [eyes me quizzically]

Child: Oh wait — we let the banana slug go, and the ladybug flew away...now what we have is a bucket of slime.

Asked And Answered

Child Coloring with Baby Blue Color Crayon
Originally uploaded by Pink Sherbet

I was volunteering at Kindergarten when the principal and two 5th graders — one African American, one Caucasian — made an unannounced visit. The principal explained they were there to "give back to the community," by reading a story called The Crayon Box That Talked. He said it was a simple story with an important lesson the children should try to notice. The two boys — clearly there due to some race-related scuffle — read haltingly but doggedly. The different colored crayons started out not liking each other, but ultimately got along when a girl showed them they could make a beautiful picture. The principal interjected throughout: "Oh, they don't like each other." "Hmm, look what they can all do together!" Finally, he turned to the class.

Principal: Okay boys and girls, who can tell me the lesson of the story?

My child: "Be nice to your friends."

Principal: Yes, yes, that's certainly part of it.

Classmate: "Don't judge people by how they look."

Principal (delighted): Yes, exactly! Anyone else?

Another classmate: "Don't buy talking crayons!"

(If you can keep from whooping with laughter when this sort of thing happens, you're a far stronger human than I.)

If Eden's Tree Grew Carrots And Ranch Dressing

Guardian of the Forest
Originally uploaded by Garrette

Overheard backseat conversation:

Child's friend:
The "F" word* isn't a bad word, it just means "sexy."

Child: (Very long pause...)
What's "sexy" mean?

Child's friend: (Even longer pause...)
I don't really know.

*(No telling which "F" word either or both had in mind.)